[originally written on my iPhone, during a bath, on Thursday, May 10th, 2018]
This bitch does this all the time. She says "I'll call by [insert time]" or "I'll be over by [insert time]" and then, inevitably, she's ridiculously later than she initially said or implied.
It's okay for people to be late on occasion. Things come up, forgetfulness occurs, life gets in the way. But when this is a consistent occurrence, it's nothing less than selfishness, lack of consideration, and thoughtlessness.
Is this unfair to say? Am I crazy to be annoyed, upset, angry, or hurt? Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think so. When it doesn't have to do with an emergency or an accident of some sort (which by their definitions are rare), then the only implication for this behavior is a self-centered act that equates to not giving enough of a hoot about me for me to be considered, by her, as a high enough priority to warrant a modicum of respect, compassion, and consideration. She found something she preferred to do instead, she chose someone else over me, she chose to do an activity without considering me enough to warn me she'll be late (or completely absent), or she's simply forgotten about me, implying she gives no shit at all — consistently. And it's that consistency that matters most of all, I think. After all, we all lack consideration for others at times, even those we love. It's a natural human flaw to occasionally put yourself, your impulses, and your desires above others at times. But if that's your default way of behaving toward people, or a particular person, then that signifies a real problem in your relationship with them.
I've told her these things. I've told her how it makes me feel. I've tried conveying it both sensitively and angrily at various times. Yet it's never stopped occurring. It keeps me suspicious of her; it keeps her seeming like a shady, secretive person; it diminishes my love; it makes me feel immensely alone and uncared for; and it makes me too angry and prideful to freely show the amount of affection that I wish I could.
All this being said, can you really be angry at someone for not caring enough about you to give you the respect you — perhaps selfishly — feel you deserve? I don't know. People can't help who they care for, or what people or things are more important to them than others, or where their ultimate emotional priorities lie. At the same time, however, isn't a lie still a lie? Isn't a plan still a plan? Isn't it still wrong to raise peoples expectations, telling them you'll do this thing or that, and then consistently letting them down, "ghosting" them, and not sticking by your word? Isn't that still deserving of a bit of resentment?
Or am I merely rationalizing my own anger in the emotion-fueled narcissistic way that humans always do? It's hard to get a good perspective of these things when you're the one inside the box.
Anyways. I need to get out of the bath now and start another crumby day of being let down.